I admit it – I’m a control freak. I wonder if there’s a 12-step program for that? I wanted to bring this issue up as a benefit to all of those poor people out there who work or live with people like me, especially since it’s the Holidays. Perhaps this will help you and my fellow control freaks find more peace and joy this Christmas.
Being a control freak isn’t as bad as it sounds as long as you are not extreme to the point that you are abusing or hurting someone. You just have to realize where your limits are and of course, it’s best if you can admit it so that you can begin to deal with it. And if you’re working with or living with a control freak, you just need to know how to deal with us. Really, it is possible to overcome some of your control-freakishness.
I’m going to wager that most control freaks are A-type personalities (or if you prefer to talk in terms of D.I.S.C. profiles - high Ds). That’s not all bad. It means we’re the ones who put ourselves out there on a daily basis, are driven, and make the world go ‘round. We’re also very task oriented (e.g. get it done!). We’re usually very successful and we don’t give up until we’ve got what we want and then some.
So how did I get over my freakish side? Well, I didn’t and I don’t know if you ever really can – it’s part of who you are. There are things you can do to help relax and calm down. What I have tried to do is learn how to tame it so others can live with/around me. So how do I handle my freakish side? For one, I like lists. I make lists like you wouldn’t believe. Here a list, there a list, everywhere a list list. In fact, I’d be happy make a list for you now.
1. Learn to trust. Okay, maybe not the first time you delegate a task to someone new. But certainly, after that person has successfully completed the tasks you delegated, you really CAN begin to let go and trust that they’ll do it right, but if they don’t, you need to offer some grace and mercy because you’re not perfect, even if you think you are!
2. Write it down. Write it ALL down! I’ve found that writing everything down helps me feel more like I’m in control so that freakish side doesn’t need to bare itself to the world quite so much. Take notes on your phone conversations, list out what you need to accomplish, write your instructions out, and so on.
3. Learn to let go. Really. Other people CAN do things as well as you can and sometimes even better – even if they’re not an A-type, High-D, control freak! The salvation of the world does not depend on you!
4. Find an assistant. Find someone who is good at and enjoys the things you hate.
Working with a control freak:
- Realize that we can’t help it. We are wired this way. Note: This is not an excuse for abusive behavior. If the person is abusive get professional help immediately!
- Realize that we do our best to overcome, well most of us do anyhow.
- Ask us for a list of what we need to have done.
- Ask us questions about what we want and how we want it before we flit off on another subject. Keep asking until you have enough information from us to understand what we want.
- We have to be able to trust you. You need to be honest EVERY time – even if it means telling us what you think we don’t want to hear.
Living with a control freak:
1. Recognize that the control freak is dealing with anxiety. Deep down, he/she knows they can't control the future so they try to control the people in life, thinking they can create a sense of safety.
2. Tell the person how you feel. In many cases, the controlling person doesn't realize he/she is doing this until they hit bottom, at which point everyone in his life is telling him how frustrated they are with him. Some people need to hit rock bottom to facilitate a change in themselves, but having someone who loves them and tell them gently and honestly how they feel can make them see the light before this happens.
3. Please don't expect instant miracles. Since controllers rarely give up easily, be patient. Respectfully reiterating your stance over days or weeks will slowly recondition negative communication patterns and redefine the terms of the relationship. If you reach an impasse, agree to disagree. Then make the subject off limits.
4. Talk about their anxiety. For example, if they are anxious about you traveling for work, ask them if they are anxious about your faithfulness. If they are anxious about money, talk about money in terms of anxiety. Empathize with their anxiety rather than trying to talk them out of their feelings.
5. Set healthy boundaries. Learning to set healthy boundaries is a great way of flinging back the Control Freaks’ hook. Let them know you will listen to their concerns and will even validate them. However, you won’t march in lockstep to their demands. You will be practicing stating your preferences and are happy to hear their preferences. Find small ways to make it clear that you are a separate individual but you love them and want what’s best for all concerned.
These tips should help you, the control freak, overcome that freakish side and for those of you living and working with us, maybe this will make it easier. We control freaks really aren’t as scary as it may seem.
2. Tell the person how you feel. In many cases, the controlling person doesn't realize he/she is doing this until they hit bottom, at which point everyone in his life is telling him how frustrated they are with him. Some people need to hit rock bottom to facilitate a change in themselves, but having someone who loves them and tell them gently and honestly how they feel can make them see the light before this happens.
3. Please don't expect instant miracles. Since controllers rarely give up easily, be patient. Respectfully reiterating your stance over days or weeks will slowly recondition negative communication patterns and redefine the terms of the relationship. If you reach an impasse, agree to disagree. Then make the subject off limits.
4. Talk about their anxiety. For example, if they are anxious about you traveling for work, ask them if they are anxious about your faithfulness. If they are anxious about money, talk about money in terms of anxiety. Empathize with their anxiety rather than trying to talk them out of their feelings.
5. Set healthy boundaries. Learning to set healthy boundaries is a great way of flinging back the Control Freaks’ hook. Let them know you will listen to their concerns and will even validate them. However, you won’t march in lockstep to their demands. You will be practicing stating your preferences and are happy to hear their preferences. Find small ways to make it clear that you are a separate individual but you love them and want what’s best for all concerned.
These tips should help you, the control freak, overcome that freakish side and for those of you living and working with us, maybe this will make it easier. We control freaks really aren’t as scary as it may seem.
Note: Again, if you are in a relationship with an abusive person, do whatever it takes to get help immediately.
1 comment:
i liked it....such a good thought ful way written
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