Hey, I'm Talking To You!

Okay, i’ll admit it, i’m guilty of this. One of the most common causes of frustration and friction in relationships is that we don't really listen to each other. Too often we talk at each other rather than with each other.    :(

Fortunately, listening is a skill that can be developed. 
So there is hope, even for moi. :)



The benefits of learning how to listen are enormous: fewer mistakes, better negotiating, greater wisdom, more friends, less arguments, and much more.

Three things hinder my hearing:

Presumption: when I think we already know it all.

Impatience: when I interrupt and jump to conclusions.

Pride: when I’m defensive and unteachable. You can learn from anyone if you know the right questions to ask.

Three hearing aids:

* Listen with my eyes. Probably 80% of communication is non-verbal. Facial expressions and body language usually tell the real story. Look at people when you listen to them!

* Listen with my heart. Be sympathetic. Tune in to the emotions behind the words.

* Make time to listen to the people around me. In the business world, Tom Peters calls this "Managing By Walking Around," or MBWA.

Imagine how your relationships could be transformed if you focused on carefully listening to those around you.

"My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry" (James 1:19 NIV).

Hmm...You're Different

I am at a good place right now in my life and my relationships, so don’t read into this latest blog entry that i am having issues with someone. I’m not. Having said that, i have noticed over the years that i seem to have different perspectives on things, especially when it comes to Christianity and church stuff. The older i get, the more it seems to be that way.

I know first hand that one of our greatest frustrations in life is when we don’t see things the way someone else sees them. Differences can be a cause of great delight at times, but they can also cause a lot of agony. You and i need to realize that our creator has made us different and then we need to appreciate our differences.

From the very beginning of the scriptures, “God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them” (Genesis 1:27 NIV). Men and women are different physically, but also in the way we work, think, shop, even watch TV – we do everything differently. And we should be grateful for those differences. But our differences go beyond our genders.

If two people agree on everything, one of them isn’t necessary in that relationship. The fact is that God has put you in a relationship – be it marriage or a good friendship – where you probably look at life differently from each other or have different backgrounds. Because of that, you each bring things to the relationship that could not be there otherwise.
We are different so we can complement each other, complete each other, and strengthen each other.

When you and i accept each other for our differences, it helps our relationship. Why? Because we’re accepting the fact that we are different so we can learn from each other and grow in relationship to each other.

It’s easy to talk about relationships when everything is going great, but what do you do when things are headed in the wrong direction? How do you turn around a relationship?
The starting point for turning your relationships around is to embrace your differences.

What are your thoughts on differences? Can you tolerate someone who sees things differently than you? Can you embrace the idea that you may not always right? 

Start Using Your Talents!

Okay, that picture is not exactly what I mean when it comes to discovering and using your special talent.

But have you ever looked at a talented friend and felt almost envious? Maybe you thought something like "There's nothing special about me. Look how talented Janet is! I'll never speak or sing as well as she does." Maybe you've even compared past mistakes. Maybe you've thought, "I've made too many mistakes in my life. I've done too many things wrong. Sometimes I feel that way too.

The truth is you and I have special gifts and you’ll feel more fulfilled in your life if you can discover them and use them to help others.

Each of us has unique talents, gifts and abilities made especially for us. We need not compare and think ourselves better or worse than another individual.

Each gift reacts differently when given to each individual. For example, everyone is invited to sing in my church no matter how polished his or her voice may be. We can all raise our voices in song but some people have the gift for making the song sound awesome in such a way that it stirs our emotions. (By the way, I don’t have that gift).

The real power comes when we each use our unique talents and work symbiotically with others to help each other! For example, if you want to play a game of basketball, you've got to use your hands, feet, legs, eyes, arms, etc. One member of the team can't play basketball by himself. (Well I suppose he could but it wouldn’t be a real game). My point; we've got to stop bickering and comparing, and start working together. It's time we started building each other up so that we can each be the best we can be.

This week I’d encourage you to assess your own talents and abilities, and then look for ways you can love and lift others.

A pretty cool place to go that will help you identify your gifts and talents is http://chazown.com.

Let me know your thoughts!  

Don't Blame Jesus....

The First Church of Bigotry

Know anyone who is a member of the First Church of Bigotry? 




It’s a shame for people of faith, especially people of the Christian faith for whom I am apart, to be bigoted as it relates to faith. Christians are to be people of love, grace, mercy, gentleness and kindness. I don't see room for religious bigotry in the scriptures.

Unfortunately I do see many Christians who are judgmental, and even hateful of those who do not share their tenants of faith. This is religious bigotry! I believe we should love people into the kingdom of God, not judge them or even scare the hell out of them!

I’ve never seen a group more divided and even divisive as Christians.  It seems like  each Christian group thinks they have the corner market on biblical understanding and divine truth, all the while often bashing other groups because of their “lack of understanding”. There is a word for that which is also found in the Bible, dung!

Yes,  I was one of these people years ago thinking that everyone else was wrong and I, (of course), and the group I was in had the FULL unadulterated truth. Religious pride in its grandest form!

I’m not saying that we should change our beliefs or that we say others are right and we are wrong. The issue here is an attitude of the heart, a heart of love and compassion towards other people.

If my son came to me with a math problem and he had said that 5 x 4 =  25, I would lovingly instruct him and show him how multiplications work to help him reach the truth on his own. I wouldn't tell him that his multiplication skills are stupid and he is going to math hell!  I also wouldn't just say – “your wrong, and the answer is 22 … I am right … I know the truth and you don’t.”

Religion is a touchy subject and I think many times religious people often get defensive, argumentative and upset when someone challenges or offers another opinion because they are insecure and can’t really defend their position because they don’t even know WHY they believe what they believe.

Where do you stand on all this? Are you or have you been a member of the First Church of Bigotry? What changed for you or do you think I'm way off base on this?

God in a Box!

In my 30+ years of ministry I have become more and more gracious in my theology, (study of God.) I would say that God destroyed the box I had him in several years ago.


Everyone has some kind of theology, even if you're an atheist. I took systematic theology in Bible college but I think we all should be a bit uncomfortable when we think we’ve got God and his ways confined to a humanly derived system of thinking. Many of us, especially pastors, have constructed a systematic theology that we feel good about, rather then allowing ourselves to follow a mysterious, frustrating, seemingly contradictory God, who “sent us His spirit” to lead us into the knowledge of truth.

We are suppose do this by walking in faith. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy theology, I love to study, debate, and ask questions ... but over the years I have found that I don’t have all the answers anymore except... our study of God should lead us to love others!

I do know this much --relationships, while messy at times, are the keys to personal and spiritual growth! Are the people in your little world adding value to your life? Are you contributing to someone else in a meaningful way?

Are you showing graciousness or judgementalism to those around you?

Do you have God in your own little box?

I Don't Recommend Christianity

C. S. Lewis, author of the Narnia series and Christian apologist, once observed, “I haven’t always been a Christian. I didn’t go to religion to make me happy. I always knew a bottle of Port would do that. If you want a religion to make you feel really comfortable, I certainly don’t recommend Christianity.”

Yeah, I'd agree with that statement although i really don't enjoy Port. The truth is I'm not very happy or comfortable right now. But maybe I shouldn't be. In fact, maybe it's better I'm not real happy right now. While people who are happy are certainly more healthy and successful than those who are angry and depressed, Dr. Ed Diener of the University of the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign told Reuters Health,

"Our findings suggest that extremely high levels of happiness might not be a desirable goal and that there is more to psychological well-being than high-levels of happiness,"

Diener and his team report in the journal Perspectives on Psychological Science. --Okay, maybe I'm reaching a bit with that quote!

Actually the problem is not happiness, because most of us do not even know real happiness when we see it. More than happiness, we crave power and control over our circumstances, over fellow humans, the whole creation, and even over God. We will surrender happiness to being in charge because we mistakenly believe that the latter is the realization of the former.

What most of us call happiness is really this sense of being in control. If we get hot, we are comforted in knowing that we have control of the thermostat and can change it whenever we want. We have choices. We’re in charge. If we get in a jam, there is nothing that we cannot turn around with the right credit card. Like overweight children sitting on the sofa with their Happy Meals watching a report of starving children in the Sudan, we think that we are better off. But are we? Of course, in one important sense we are, but in the big picture? And what is the big picture for that matter?

Growth and change are painful processes. They take a lot out of us and we have to work hard at them. Just as metal has to be refined in the fire and then shaped and molded to be turned into steel, so our hearts and lives need to be refined, shaped and molded to become more like Jesus. It doesn't always feel good, it lasts longer than we'd like at times, but in the end, we will like what we see, because the reflection will be more like Christ's.

So, are you happy?

Law and Order

Occasionally i will sit down with my sexy wife and join her in watching an episode of Law and Order. There are several different shows that fall under the same title but they feature different police units, different characters. There is the Special Victims Unit, the Criminal Intent Episodes, and who knows what other Law and Order shows they have now! I don't watch it that much but when i do i enjoy it.

Here's the point, the reason the shows are so good is because they are well written and usually have great plot twists at the end. The endings are difficult to predict, unlike the old Perry Mason shows, (which i still enjoy).

Life is a lot like the Law and Order TV shows. Sometimes it's unpredictable. Sometimes it seems like the bad guys are winning. Sometimes it is very entertaining, other times it's pretty ugly. Sometimes there is justice. Sometimes there is romance and mystery but...Sometimes life is hard! How do you deal with it when life is not so nice?

I'm reminded that God’s ultimate goal for my life on earth is not comfort, but character development. He wants me to grow up spiritually and become like Christ. It's is all about transforming my character.

God wants to develop the kind of character described in the Beatitudes of Jesus, the fruit of the Spirit, Paul’s great chapter on love, and Peter’s list of the characteristics of an effective and productive life (Matthew 5:1-12; Galatians 5:22-23; 1 Corinthians 13; 2 Peter 1:5-8).

Every time I forget that character is one of God’s purposes for your life, I become frustrated by my circumstances. I wonder, “Why is this happening to me? Why am I having such a difficult time?” One answer is that life is supposed to be difficult! It’s what enables us to grow, sand ometimes like the TV show Law and Order, there are surprises.

What about you? How do you deal with difficult seasons in life?

Up Your Arsenal?

This weekend there was another church shooting, this one was at the Unitarian Church in Knoxville, TN. (read about it here). There was another church shooting in Colorado last December that made major headlines and others that maybe didn't get as much press in 2007.

Is it just me or is this happening more and more and should churches now have armed guards protecting their members? I don't think there is an easy answer to that one but I do believe every church needs to have some kind of a plan. If your church doesn’t have a security plan that addresses threats of violence, it’s time to get one. No church is immune from being a target. Yours could be chosen simply because it’s a large place where people gather.

In many ways, the process is identical to creating a disaster response plan for weather-related events. You assess your situation, determine how to respond, and practice what to do if it happens. Brotherhood Mutual is an insurance company we used when I was senior pastor in Kansas. They've got some info here on how to form a plan to protect your church, I'd highly recommend reading it and passing it on to other church leaders.

The truth is we need to be concerned about the upswing of violence taking place in churches.
Any creative suggestions on how we can make our church a safer place?

If You're Feeling Grouchy...

I'm not feeling real happy these days because things are not going the way i planned for them to go.
When that happens, (and it often does), i tend to get grouchy, feel sorry for myself, take it out on my loved ones, and generally walk around with a lousy attitude.
I need grace to walk through difficult season. Below are some things i've decided to start doing despite my feelings.

Here are some tips to getting God's grace when you're grouchy. Maybe it will be an encouragement to you too.

1. Calling out. As long as we pretend to be self sufficient we short circuit God's power in our life. We need to admit our inadequacy and say, "God, I can't handle this!" and cry out for God's help. The Bible says "God gives grace to the humble." "Draw close to God and God will draw close to you." Notice who gets grace. The humble. Those who admit they can't do it on their own.

2. Filling my mind with God's word. The Bible can comfort us, it can strengthen us, it can soothe us, it can give us the energy we need to keep going. Get into the scriptures, every single day of your life. Get a modern translation -- New Living Version or something and begin to read it and get it into your mind.

3. Accepting support from people. God intentionally, the Bible says, puts weaknesses in our lives so we realize how much we need each other. You're not going to make it on your own. We need to accept support from God's people. I hate that.

4. Holding on to promises. There are over 7000 of them in the Bible waiting to be claimed, waiting for us to grab onto like blank checks. Here's one of them, Isaiah 40 "He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youth grow tired. But those who hope in the Lord [circle this] will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary; they will walk and not faint." Keep your hope in the Lord. Even more than that, keep your eyes focused on the hope of heaven, not just on the here and now. Focus on the hope of heaven.

If you're feeling grouchy, maybe you need grace too.

War of the Worship

I don't usually get into many "churchy" topics but the inserted picture was posted on Anne Jackson's blog, Flowerdust , and it inspired me to blog about it especially since the church i was pastor of in Kansas had a split last year over the issue of worship.

There are many reasons why some folks get upset about the worship service in their church. Sometimes it's a matter of ideas on mixing sacred music with secular music. It could be over certain scriptural principles of worship with technique vs un-scriptural principles. Or true worship vs entertainment or reaching out to the culture in our worship service vs having our worship shaped by the culture. My church split had more to do with allowing certain manifestations of the Holy Spirit during our regular Sunday morning service.

Here's my point: The split we had in Kansas over the "right way to worship" did tremendous damage to individuals, families, and the community, let alone the purposes of God. Relationships were broken, people became disillusioned, and i believe it broke the heart of God. It gave people that were skeptical of church one more reason not to visit a church and potentially have their lives changed for good.

The next time you decide to get critical of your church's worship service and gossip about it think about the consequences for that action. If you don't like your church's worship service communicate appropriately with the leadership about it and if your conscience bothers you about something they are doing, deal with it the right way. Don't cause a split over it.

Have you ever been involved in a war of worship? Did anything positive come out of it?

Attitude Check

I was not raised a Christian, i was brought up as a Unitarian. We were pretty open minded and accepting of everyone, except Christians! We considered them to be narrow minded and dogmatic. To make a long story short, i later became a Christian and my life changed in many good ways. One way it changed that was not very good was i became narrow minded and dogmatic and soon became very judgemental towards other believers if they didn't believe exactly like i did!

I'm not sure why i became so critical towards other Christians and churches, probably pride, but over the past several years i began to realize how bad an attitude i had. All that critical attitude did was hurt me and the purposes of God.

Those who are not Christians see how hypocritical that is. One the leaders in the early church realized this too. When I reflect on many of Paul’s letters to the Christian church I am astounded that the challenges he faced are many of the same challenges we (the entire church… all Christians) face today, some 2,000 years later. Philippians 2:1-5

"Is there any encouragement from belonging to Christ? Any comfort from his love? Any fellowship together in the Spirit? Are your hearts tender and compassionate? Then make me truly happy by agreeing wholeheartedly with each other, loving one another, and working together with one mind and purpose. Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too. You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had."

Here Paul address a group of Christians in Philippi, who like us no doubt had differences of opinion of various topics… YET, Paul says, “…work together with one mind and purpose.” I have worked side by side on various projects with people who had different political views then me, different theological views then me, different fashion tastes then me… but we worked with one mind and one purpose on the task at hand. Paul is saying the same thing to us here today… “Hey gang, forget about your little petty differences and let’s focus on the one thing we do agree on and that is Jesus… the one who is, and is to come… let’s spread His message of hope”.

The goal for a church (in my opinion) is not to get everyone to agree on “these” 5 things so we can check off the boxes… but that we are all in UNITY with the message of hope and love that is found in Christ.

What are your thoughts on this subject?