Investing in People

We all have them and we can’t escape them. Relationships can be the most rewarding experiences in our lives, or they can be confusing and painful. To the average person, it may be easier to understanding the workings of a complex engine than to understand and relate to some people. An engine is logical and predictable, it makes sense. People very often don’t, right?

However, relationships, including marriage, friendships and people you work with, are important, because people are the only things in this world that have eternal value. Not only are they God’s way of providing us with the love, affirmation and healthy self-esteem we need to be a well-adjusted person, but they are also His means of developing our character. That part I’m not too crazy about.

Investing in your relationships is a long-term process which can lead to a rewarding life.

Here are some investment tips:

Understand
In order to relate well with people it is important to try and understand them, and for this, good communication skills are essential. While it helps to be able to express how we feel to others, it is arguably more valuable to be able to listen and hear where they are coming from. Communication is more than just the words we speak - it is the feelings and ideas behind the words. Sometimes we need to ask questions to ensure we have really understood what someone is saying.

Encourage
Think about the words you use when speaking to or about others. The words we speak create the environment we have to live in. What kind of environments are we creating in our homes, our friendships and our workplace?

Trust
Trust is foundational to a strong relationship. Our partner, family member or friend needs to know that they can depend on us to keep our word, that we are a person of integrity.

Forgive
Throughout our lives there will always be people who hurt or offend us. If we hold on to our hurt feelings, they will develop into bitterness which will eat away at us on the inside. Forgiveness is not for the sake of the other person, to let them off the hook; it is for our own sake.

Investing in your relationships is the key to a happy life but it does take some work. The effort is well worth the investment in others.

Give What They Need, Not What They Deserve

As I’ve worked with people over the years, I’ve seen a common problem: conflict. It exists between husbands and wives, generations, ethnic groups, religious groups, language groups, and nations. The greatest need in our world is reconciliation. Remember “peace on earth, good will toward men”?

I believe strongly that God shown you and I grace and acceptance and he wants us to show it to other people. Show the grace he has shown you. Be a peacemaker.
Jesus said it like this. “Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God”

Be a peacemaker, not a troublemaker — at work, at home, or at school. Build people up, not tear them down. You can compliment more than you criticize. You can love people the way Jesus loves people.

Even if those people in our lives are bad drivers, rude shoppers, snarky co-workers, and selfish acting children - Christmas is the perfect time to show grace to other people, because we’re reminded of the grace God has shown us — that he gives us what we need, not what we deserve.

So let me ask you a very frank question. In the spirit of Christmas — “peace on earth, good will toward men” — with whom do you need to restore a broken relationship this Christmas? 
They might not be around next Christmas.

Being Grateful

Studies have shown that happy people are grateful people. How often do you pause to appreciate what you have in life? When I was young, I took things and people for granted. After all, I was young and I didn't know what life could be like on the other side.

As I became a teen I was faced with the loss of several good friends due to car and motorcycle accidents. Later my mother passed away from cancer. I vowed to never take people for granted again. But as time rolled on I would get caught up with the busyness of life and again, take people for granted.

Sometimes it’s easy to feel bad because you're going through a tough time in life. However, remember no matter how bad your situation may seem, there are tens of thousands of things to be grateful for in life.

So how can you actually practice gratitude on a regular basis? Here are a few tips that have helped me.

Relax. It's hard to cultivate a sense of gratitude when you're angry, frustrated, or anxious. If these are issues that you struggle with, it's important to resolve them, as they're formidable barriers to thankfulness. For me, I have to put myself in a place away from all the activities and practice putting my mind on other things that lead to peace.

Live in the Moment. If you're too busy dwelling on the past or thinking about the future, you won't be able to fully notice how fantastic things are right now. Plus, thinking about the past and future opens the door to comparison, which is the only way you can perceive something as not good enough. What you have now is all that exists, and comparing that to something that doesn't exist anymore (or yet) is an easy way to foster dissatisfaction and torture yourself. Like the old saying goes "Past is History, Future is a Mystery and Today is Gift and hence it is called the Present". Enjoy today, this moment and don't postpone your enjoyment.

Cherish any kind of lightheartedness in your life. Things like laughter, affection, and playfulness are fleeting. Once a relationship has degraded so that those things don't spontaneously occur anymore, it's very hard to get them back. You might know that from experience. So treat those moments with care (especially with kids, who are at the peak of lightheartedness). Don't be the person who takes life too seriously, who doesn't have time to have fun, or who has no sense of humor. Again, that does not come easy for me but I have to practice this with purpose.

Can you think of some things or people you are grateful for? I'd love to hear from you.
Take some time each day to shift your focus, you'll be a happier person because of it.

Reconciliation or Resolution?

Reconciliation or Resolution?

I think it’s possible to re-establish a relationship even when we are unable to resolve our differences. We often have legitimate, honest disagreements and differing opinions, but we can disagree without being disagreeable.

It’s unrealistic to expect everyone to agree about everything. If you agree with someone about everything you probably don’t think much for yourself. Reconciliation focuses on the relationship, while resolution focuses on the problem. When we focus on reconciliation, the problem often loses significance and many times becomes irrelevant.

The same diamond looks different from different angles. I’m all for unity, but not uniformity, we can walk arm in arm without seeing eye to eye on every issue.

This doesn't mean you give up on finding a solution. You may need to continue discussing and even debating--but you do it in a spirit of harmony. Reconciliation means you bury the hatchet, not necessarily the issue.

So....with whom do you need to restore a relationship with? Pause right now think about that person. Then pick up the phone and begin the process.  Yes, it takes a lot of effort to restore a relationship.

That's why Peter urged, "Work hard at living in peace with others" (1 Peter 3:11 NLT).

Do You Have That Gut Feeling?

I've discovered  if people are not on my heart, they're on my nerves.  If you don't have your kids in your heart, they get on your nerves.  If you don't have your wife in your heart, she gets on your nerves.

The reason so many relationships are crumbling is that folks are reacting to each other from their mind rather than their heart. When your wife says, "I feel depressed" listen to her; it's legitimate.  When your husband says, "I don't feel this is the right thing we ought to do." Consider what he has to say.

Heart love begins with understanding why someone feels the way they do. Ask questions and then listen. Hear the hurt, look for the problems. We need to understand the moods of the people closest to us, why they act the way they do.  If you care, you'll be aware. I’m not saying this is easy. 
Relationships can be difficult at times, I blow it all the time but I keep trying.

How do you love people who, even when you do understand them, you find them unlovable?

"God can testify how I long for all of you with the affection of Christ Jesus." (Philippians 1:8 NIV) 

In Greek, (the language I struggled with so much in college), the word "affection" is the word for intestines.
In Greek society, the Greeks thought that the seat of the emotions was in your stomach, your liver, your internal organs.

So Paul was saying, "I've got a gut feeling of love for you." That is not a natural kind of love.  It is a supernatural kind of love and that's why Paul said it's not from himself, but it's the affection of Christ.  Human love wears out and dries up and dies on the vine. The only kind of love that lasts in spite of heartache and difficulty in tough circumstances is God's love.

So how do you get this kind of gut love? God's love is not something you work up.  It is something that is poured into you by the Spirit as you let Him live in you day-by-day.

Do you have a gut feeling about someone?

Does It Matter?

As I look around I can’t help but wonder if relationships and their worth are doomed. Do relationships really matter anymore? We say they do, but I don’t believe that’s true. At least for a lot of people. We seem to be busy doing things, but do the things we do really matter?

When i was experiencing a very difficult season in my life about 4 years ago, the help and encouragement I got did not come from the organized church I was a part of but a few relationships I had maintained over the last 20 years or so. I am so grateful that I had stayed connected to those people. Real relationships are truly the fabric that binds us to one another. Without meaningful relationships, life isn’t living and if you aren’t living you’re dying.

Maintaining and enhancing the quality of our relationships is the most important thing ever. In these times of financial up evil, our relationships should be a place where we should have solace. Banks folding, the stock market on what seems to be a never-ending yo-yo and skyrocketing unemployment, relationships seem to be one of the last bastions of individual freedom and control.

I know this sounds a bit “gloomy” and “dark” but too much attention is focused on items, situations and people that really don’t matter. Our attention has been diverted. We have been “flim-flamed” into believing that possessions of “stuff” will bring us what it is that we seek. I too engage in the “buying” of stuff. We all do but in the end it’s the interpersonal relationships in our lives that bring us fulfilment.

I’d encourage you today to look at your relationships. Without having the gumption and insight to affect change within your personal relationships, you will be a “relationship drifter”. You will continue to bounce from person to person never reaching a sense of emotional satiation or comfort. You are doomed to repeat the same patterns that have driven wedges between you and those that you wanted to love but didn’t know how to connect with.

Let’s face it, when it’s all said and done, nothing will matter more than the value and depth of the relationships that you created. Do relationships really matter? They should to all of us!

What changes should you make in your life order to build healthier relationships?

I Just Wanted To Die

About four years ago I was really stressed out and felt like I wanted to just die! Yesterday I read former NFL star Junior Seau was found shot to death at his home Wednesday morning in what police said appeared to be a suicide. He was only 43.

Have you ever felt like you wanted to die? Are you thinking about suicide right now?

When pain exceeds pain-coping resources, suicidal feelings are the result. Suicide is neither wrong nor right; it is not a defect of character; it is morally neutral. It is simply an imbalance of pain versus coping resources.

You can survive suicidal feelings if you do either of two things: (1) find a way to reduce your pain, or (2) find a way to increase your coping resources. Both are possible.

Five things to think about.

First: You need to hear that people do get through this -- even people who feel as badly as you are feeling now. Statistically, there is a very good chance that you are going to live. I hope that this information gives you some sense of hope.

Second: Give yourself some distance. Say to yourself, "I will wait 24 hours before I do anything." Or a week. Remember that feelings and actions are two different things - just because you feel like killing yourself, doesn't mean that you have to actually do it right this minute. Put some distance between your suicidal feelings and suicidal action. Even if it's just 24 hours. Keep going, and realize that while you still feel suicidal, you are not, at this moment, acting on it.

Third: People often turn to suicide because they are seeking relief from pain. Remember that relief is a feeling. And you have to be alive to feel it. You will not feel the relief you so desperately seek, if you are dead.

Fourth: Some people will react badly to your suicidal feelings, either because they are frightened, or angry; they may actually increase your pain instead of helping you, despite their intentions, by saying or doing thoughtless things. You have to understand that their bad reactions are about their fears, not about you.

But there are people out there who can be with you in this horrible time, and will not judge you, or argue with you, or send you to a hospital, or try to talk you out of how badly you feel. They will simply care for you. Find one of them. Now. Use your 24 hours, or your week, and tell someone what's going on with you. It is okay to ask for help.

Fifth: Suicidal feelings are, in and of themselves, traumatic. After they subside, you need to continue caring for yourself. Therapy is a really good idea. So are the various self-help groups available both in your community and on the Internet.

Resources For Help:
Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255
Teenagers, call Covenant House NineLine  1-800-999-9999
Look in the front of your phone book for a crisis line.
Call a psychotherapist.
Carefully choose a friend or a minister or rabbi, someone who is likely to listen.
Send an anonymous email to this blog.

Don't give yourself the additional burden of trying to deal with this alone. Just talking about how you got to where you are, releases an awful lot of the pressure, and it might be just the additional coping resource you need to regain your balance.

I'm Stressed Out!

  Click here to see Phil's Video

Mentoring Matters

Do you have a mentor? Have you ever mentored someone? I was fortunate to become friends with a couple of great people when I first got involved in ministry who were older and wiser than me. In Christian circles we use the word disciple instead of mentor. In the scriptures Jesus had disciples and told his followers to make disciples. But what does that mean to you and me?

I don’t see a lot of that happening in churches and when I have seen some, it seems to be almost in an unhealthy way, leaning more towards controlling and manipulation.

But ssk any successful person this question, and they will surely tell you stories about how their deep, long-standing relationships with their school coaches or mentors helped inspire, guide, and support them throughout their career. Great mentor-mentee relationships, rich in knowledge, advice, and perspective, are often formed over months and years of conversations and shared experiences.

I know many of my readers have a church background and some of you have seen negative things when it comes to “leaders” trying to speak into your lives. The truth is we need mentors and should be mentors to others. Here are some suggestions on how we can accomplish this so that our lives as well as others can improve.

Being a great mentor (and a great mentee) starts with listening.

Listening is the key component of a mentor-mentee relationship,it’s important for mentors to listen and understand ideas, approaches, strengths, and weaknesses.

Being a good mentor and a mentee isn’t about giving great answers, but asking great questions.

Good decisions come from good questions. And as a mentor, be aware of what you know and what you don’t know, and develop an awareness about your biases.

Assume responsibility for your advice and your decisions.

As a mentor, instead of pressing a person on the decisions they made, work to understand their individual situation and rationale behind their initial ideas. At the end of the day, it’s the mentee who decide what is best for their lives. Listen, challenge, use, reject, and move forward. A mentor’s advice doesn’t have to be implemented.

I’m a firm believer that mentoring, (discipleship in the church setting), happens through relationships. Trying to force something will only cause frustration on everyone’s part.

So...did anyone mentor you? Are you mentoring someone? Is there an opportunity for you to be a part of this process?

The Power Of Generosity

A while back my family and I experienced some very difficult times. We were having health and financial problems that were beyond our control. We received some help, not from a church or institution, but from a few generous people who stepped in. Because of those caring people, I’m a better person today. I’m a more generous individual.

I think people whose lifestyles are marked by generosity become miraculous forces for good in the world, inviting God’s love to flow through them and into the lives of other people to change them for the better. You can become one of those people!

Here are five steps I am developing to become a more generous person:

Let gratitude lead to generosity. Make an inventory list of your blessings, taking a few minutes to write down everything you can think of for which you’re grateful (from your friends and family members to the food you eat and the air you breathe). Then study the list to realize how much you have. In gratitude, let your response be generous giving.

Decide to serve a cause that’s greater than your own life: making the world a better place. Reach out to other people -- rather than resenting the time, energy, money, and inconveniences that can be involved. I would just start with one person or maybe one family. Keep it simple.

Help other people regardless of your current circumstances. If you don’t have much money, you could give some of your time. If you possess a special talent, consider how to use it to contribute to others. There is always make a way for you and I to give.

Incorporate service into your lifestyle. Look for opportunities  to help meet needs every day. Be creative about ways to fit more service into your life, such as by transforming some of your daily activities into acts of service or using money you would have spent to buy something for yourself to buy a gift for someone else instead.

Look beyond just those you love. Don’t limit your generosity only to the people you know and love. Also be willing to reach out to strangers, people who make you uncomfortable, and those who can’t reciprocate. Challenge yourself to remember that, if you believe God has made every human being on the planet in his image , you need to reach out to all the people you encounter with his love. When you do, miracles may happen in the lives of the people you help, and in your own life, as well.

This is still a work in progress in my life but I’m seeing cool things happen.
Do you have any creative ideas on how to be a more generous person? 

The Power Of Compassion

Having compassion can radically change your life. Are you a compassionate person? One definition of compassion is the ability to understand the emotional state of another person or oneself. 

Compassion has the added element of having a desire to alleviate or reduce the suffering of another.

I believe that having compassion for someone involves more than putting yourself in their place and genuinely wanting to understand or even help them. It involves beginning to have a totally different perspective when it comes to how you perceive others. For example, instead of assuming that the reason someone has done something that hurts you is because they are selfish or inconsiderate, assume instead that they had a good reason for doing it.

This can be difficult to buy into at first. But when you think about it, don't you usually have a good reason when you do something, even if what you did may seem inconsiderate to someone else?

Let's say you are very worried about your child's health. You took him to the doctor and he decided to take tests in order to rule out a serious disease. Later that day you are walking down the street, preoccupied with your son and an acquaintance passes you and says hello. You say hello in return but because you are so deep in thought you don't stop to chat. Later on you hear the acquaintance felt insulted because you "snubbed" him.

Even though it was not your intention to snub this person, and you had a very good reason for your behavior-the acquaintance assumed the worst. Unfortunately, this is what most of us do. We assume the worst.

Learning to have more compassion involves making the radical shift to assume the best in others. If the acquaintance had assumed the best, he would have concluded that it wasn't personal-that you must have been preoccupied-and he would have been right.

To be honest, it frustrates me that many evangelical groups don't seem to have much compassion for the down and out in our society. I used to struggle with having compassion for others but that has started to change over the last few years, due to my own personal struggles. I now believe that at every level of society, the key to a happier and more successful world is the growth of compassion.  From my own limited experience I have found that the greatest degree of inner peace comes from the development of love and compassion.

When Jesus landed and saw a large crowd, he had compassion on them, because they were like sheep without a shepherd. So he began teaching them many things. Mark 6:34

Whom do you need to show compassion on today?

Dealing With Flawed People

The truth is we get hurt by others because the world is full of flawed human beings. Those flawed people are in our marriage, our family, our work place, and yes, even our church! Shocking, isn't it?

On the flip side, we are also in that same category of flawed, imperfect people, we have and will at times hurt others too. No one is perfect, all of us screw up, all of us have gone down a wrong path, made wrong choices, and, as a result, we live with guilt. At times we’ve disappointed ourselves, and we know we’ve disappointed God.

So how do we deal with all this hurt, disappointment and guilt? The way to deal with guilt is to recognize the forgiveness that God gives us. We can recognize our own mistakes and know that he is faithful to forgive us.

Jesus said: “Forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors” (Matthew 6:12 NIV).

Notice there are two sides to this, “Forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors”
We need to deal with the fact that other people have hurt us, which can leave us with feelings of resentment. God’s answer to that is to replace it with his peace – and that comes from forgiving others, just as God forgave us.

We never want to be get hurt, but in those moments we can choose to forgive others. We can realize if we hold onto resentment, it will eat away at our lives like an acid.

So the next time someone wrongs you, ask for God’s peace and offer forgiveness to the person who hurt you. I’m not saying it will be easy, in fact, C.S. Lewis said “Forgiveness is a beautiful word until you have something to forgive”.

It’s not always the easiest thing to do but it’s the right thing to do. The positive results will follow in all your relationships.

Is there someone you need to forgive, or is there someone you may have wronged?

Hey, I'm Talking To You!

Okay, i’ll admit it, i’m guilty of this. One of the most common causes of frustration and friction in relationships is that we don't really listen to each other. Too often we talk at each other rather than with each other.    :(

Fortunately, listening is a skill that can be developed. 
So there is hope, even for moi. :)



The benefits of learning how to listen are enormous: fewer mistakes, better negotiating, greater wisdom, more friends, less arguments, and much more.

Three things hinder my hearing:

Presumption: when I think we already know it all.

Impatience: when I interrupt and jump to conclusions.

Pride: when I’m defensive and unteachable. You can learn from anyone if you know the right questions to ask.

Three hearing aids:

* Listen with my eyes. Probably 80% of communication is non-verbal. Facial expressions and body language usually tell the real story. Look at people when you listen to them!

* Listen with my heart. Be sympathetic. Tune in to the emotions behind the words.

* Make time to listen to the people around me. In the business world, Tom Peters calls this "Managing By Walking Around," or MBWA.

Imagine how your relationships could be transformed if you focused on carefully listening to those around you.

"My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry" (James 1:19 NIV).