What Are You Focusing On?

Sometimes I get into a funk and start thinking about the failures in my life. That's never good. When you and I focus on the disappointments in our lives, it is these very things that will begin to loom even larger.  


When you pay special attention to what you lack, you will become even more aware of how much is missing in your life.  When you ruminate on what you wish would change in your life, the less you will notice all you have that is good.

Have you ever been lying in bed late at night, dark all around, and all of a sudden you hear a sound?  As you lay in bed, quiet everywhere, you hear another sound, and then another.  And the more you focus on the sounds, the more of them you hear, until you are certain something sinister is going on?

It is only later that you find out that it was just the wind rustling tree branches outside the window.
What you focus on expands in your consciousness.  This is a steadfast principle of human existence --- what we focus on increases --- and this is not only true with strange sounds in the middle of the night.

The same holds true in love.  When you focus on those things that have been a disappointment --- and for most of us, there have been plenty – after all, when we are in love, it is with a fellow human being, who no doubt has flaws --- then it is the disappointments to which our attention will be drawn.

Sometimes we forget, but it is helpful to remind ourselves (for some of us – frequently would be good) that our partner is also in love with a human being, one who no doubt has flaws.

If you spend much of your time thinking about what your partner has failed to do OR what your partner lacks OR how your partner has let you down OR how you wish your partner would change, then this is what you will notice even more --- what that person hasn’t done, hasn’t accomplished, hasn’t changed, hasn’t started, and hasn’t finished.

And when this happens, it becomes even more difficult to notice all that he or she brings to the relationship everyday that is good. Whatever you focus on will begin to loom even larger.

May I suggest you focus on that person and talk (in detail) about 5 things you love about them --- it might be the sparkle in their eyes OR the fact that they work so hard for your benefit OR their patience with the children OR their willingness to help others OR the fact that they don’t go out partying without you……

...if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Philippians 4:8

What you and I focus on can bring value or devaluation into our relationships.

Sex? Did Someone Say...Sex?

“Let my lover come into his garden and taste its choice fruits.” Song of Songs 4:16

The above scripture is from a book in the Bible. For centuries, pastors used to preach and write about the book, Song of Songs, as a poetic commentary on Christ’s endearing love for His Bride, the Church. They did that because they wanted to avoid the obvious: that the Song of Songs is actually about sex education and the intimate love between two dedicated partners.

If you take some time to read the entire book, it seems to me me that it is stating something that is obvious: loving sex is good for your relationship. The poetic images that are used throughout this short book are about two people who woo each other lovingly, gently, and faithfully. It was written as a guidance book about intimacy between a man and a woman.

I bring this up, not to further frustrate the single person, but to encourage the married person, have sex and lots of it! Sex a gift and enjoy the gift! 

This weekend at Alive Church we begin a series called, Pure Sex. Check it out online.
So...here are some tips to help make love-making more exciting:

• Find new places to do it.
• Find new ways to do it.
• Find other ways to pleasure one another besides the old faithful. (The "old faithful" is the normal thing ... change it up)
• Buy a Kama-sutra book - read and follow instructions!
• If you have kids in the home - then take advantage of any time they are gone or outside playing. (You can clean the house later ... just lock the doors)
• See how many times a day you can do it!
• See how many times in one night you can do it!
• Spend an hour just touching and kissing.
• Play Doctor.

Any thing you’d like to add to this?

Are You Keeping It Real?

This week at Alive Church we are going to be talking about investing in others for the sake of something bigger, not just for us personally, but for them. I think many people are looking for authenticity in life. 

People should experience authenticity in churches. Authentic fellowship is not superficial, surface-level chit-chat. It’s genuine, heart-to-heart, sometimes gut-level, sharing.

It happens when people get honest about who they are and what is happening in their lives. They share their hurts, reveal their feelings, confess their failures, disclose their doubts, admit their fears, acknowledge their weaknesses, and ask for help and prayer. They should feel a freedom to be able to do this because they should be loved and accepted, no matter what.

Unfortunately authenticity is the exact opposite of what you find in many churches. Instead of an atmosphere of honesty and humility, there is pretending, role-playing, politicking, superficial politeness, and shallow conversation. People wear masks, keep their guard up, and act as if everything is rosy in their lives. These attitudes are the death of real relationship. Those searching for authentic people can see through all that and they want no part of it and no part of that church.

It’s only as we become open about our lives that we experience authentic relationships. The Bible says,  . . . If we say we have no sin, we are fooling ourselves” - In other words, nobody is perfect, let’s just admit it!

Of course, being authentic requires both courage and humility. It means facing our fear of exposure, rejection, and being hurt again.

Why should  anyone take such a risk?

Because it’s the only way to grow spiritually and be emotionally healthy. And if you’re really serious about helping others in their spiritual journey, you, being authentic, will bring freedom to others too.  The Scripture says, “Confess your faults to each other and pray for each other so that you can live together whole and healed”

Do you think you are really authentic in your relationships? Why or why not?

What's So Good About It?

But the angel reassured them. “Don’t be afraid!” he said. “I bring you good news that will bring great joy to all people. Luke 2:10 (NLT)

So what exactly is this so called “good news”? And what's so good about it?

Over the years the Christian message of “good news” has been screwed up by many people and groups out there. The good news is been marred by legalistic haters who condemn and despise others who are “sinners” according to their standards. The portray as angry God. Yet they fail to understand the grace and mercy of a loving God they supposedly serve. Because of this the good news doesn't seem very good to me at all.

The real good news is this: God loves all people. ALL. He is for you. He's not mad at you. This week I have been dealing with a large mortgage company that does not seem to be for me, rather against me! (I’m in the process of buying a home). It’s been a huge pain in the...well you can guess. It’s not God’s fault that things are not going well. It’s pinheads that are the issue!

Knowing God is for you will change your whole perspective on your life. You’ll stop thinking of God as someone looking down from heaven, ready to yell, “Gotcha!” anytime you mess up. Instead, you’ll realize God loves you; God is with you; and God is for you! It is God, your Creator, who will measure your success in life, and no one else. Not some boneheads at a mortgage company in California.

This is extremely good news!

It means you don’t need to be afraid of God because God is for you. Yet, some people are so afraid of God they get nervous just talking about him. They feel guilty, and then they start thinking, “If I get close to God, he’s going to lecture me. He’s going to remind me of all the things I’ve done wrong, and then I’ll feel even worse!”

Nothing could be further from the truth of God. Jesus said, “I did not come into the world to condemn it, but to save it.” In effect, Jesus is saying, “I didn’t come to scold you, I came to save you.”

Jesus did not come to scare us. That’s why when the angel was telling the shepherds about the birth of Jesus, the first thing he says is: “Don’t be afraid!” There are 365 messages from God in the Bible that begin with a phrase like, “Fear not!” In other words, every single day of the year you can read a message from God that says, in effect, “You don’t need to be afraid. I am for you; I am with you; I love you.”

We celebrate Christmas because of this good news. Merry Christmas.

Do you ever think sometimes that God is against you? Why?

Why Am I Here?

Why am I here on earth? Where did I come from? What am I worth? Do I have any intrinsic value? Do I serve a purpose? These are all important questions. They are life's "big questions." 

How you answer these questions determines how you see the world and how you treat others. How you see the world also determines how you see and treat yourself. So, it's important that we resolve these questions.

Where do we begin in our search for the truth? Begin at the beginning. Perhaps the most fundamental question is: does God exist? It's fundamental because our answers to the other "big questions" actually hinge on how we answer this significant question.

So don't begin by asking, "Why am I here?" Begin by asking, "Does God exist?" If He doesn't exist there's really no point in asking "why am I here?" - everything is ultimately pointless. And if He does exist, you'll discover your reason for living when you discover who He is. So begin at the beginning. Does God exist?

The reason why so many people are discouraged today is that they are trying to please other people. Living for the approval of others is a weight that holds you back. We need to stop!

If you believe God exists start looking at the way He made you. Instead ask, what are you gifted to do? What do you love? What are your abilities? What is your personality? What are your experiences? Rabbits don't fly and eagles don't swim. They are shaped to do what they are supposed to do, and you are shaped to do what God wants you to do. So stop trying to do what other people are doing and start to discover what you are gifted to do. You’ll be happier and much easier to live with too!

Do you know what your gifts and talents are? For more info check this out, click here.

But I'm Afraid!

Do you have courage? Are you a courageous person? The only way that you know for sure that you have courage is when you face a difficulty, danger or crisis in life. How you respond to a crisis will determine how much courage you have. I think you can still be afraid and exhibit courage!

Todd Beamer was a passenger on board Flight 92 on September 11, 2001 when it was hijacked by terrorists. Todd and his fellow passengers showed courage in crisis. The easy thing would have been to do nothing, to be paralyzed by fear. Yet, Todd was able to lead the charge to overcome the hijackers. They stopped the plane from reaching it’s intended target of Washington DC.

One time a man and his four year old daughter were flying over Arizona in an airplane when they encountered a severe thunderstorm. The pilot announced that he was taking the plane to a higher altitude so they could fly above the storm. The plane flew up through dark clouds and lightning until it broke through the clouds to see the sun shining in all its glory above the storm. Looking down, they saw a beautiful sight, a rainbow stretching from horizon to horizon. The four year old girl exclaimed, “Daddy, daddy, look it’s a rainbow and we’re seeing it from the same side that God sees it from.” From below, in the midst of storm, all was darkness and danger, but from above, from God’s perspective, there was a beautiful rainbow.

Meteorologists tell us that there is a rainbow in every rain cloud, but you have to be properly positioned to see it. As we get closer to God, He will help us see the rainbow in every storm that He allows into our life. Sometimes it helps to get a different perspective!

The weekend of September 17th and 18th, Alive Church is starting a new series called Courageous. We are kicking things off with a dinner, (Saturday before the service), and breakfast, (Sunday before the service). Choose the service you want to attend and bring the kids, and some freinds too. There will be jumping castles and other fun stuff. For more info go to AliveChurch.com.

May 21st

Recently I was at the 4th Avenue Street Fair in Tucson. After I walked around, enjoying my old neck of the woods, I jumped in the car and headed back home. As I was driving home, I noticed a leaflet tucked carefully under my wiper blade. At first I thought it was a ticket for parking in a questionable area.  Bummer for me!

When I arrived home I plucked it out of my windshield wiper and was intrigued and slightly amused to read that the end of the world was going to happen very soon, apparently.  The title said “Holy God will bring judgment day on May 21, 2011.”  I read the back and saw that the leaflet was produced by Family Radio!  Anyone scared yet?  I began to read.  In one short paragraph, I read the words “Holy God” three times. By the way, Family Radio is not to be confused with Family Life Radio.

Throughout this leaflet, God was consistently called “Holy God” over and over again.  It seems The Great Flood, “by careful study” happened, per the pamphlet, in 4990 B.C.  Then some numbers that people might be likely to ignore out of sheer boredom are manipulated to come up with a date for ...Judgment Day!  May 21, 2011.

Hmmm... The leaflet struck me as actually bordering on being venomous; it reminded me just a little bit of Chick tracts (truly venomous!), minus the comic illustration of a huge angel tossing live human beings into a burning pit to suffer forever. Perhaps they should have contracted that guy for some artwork.

The bottom line message was: “Holy God hates you!”  I crumpled it up and threw it in the trash.  Then I retrieved it just to serve as an example of how why our image of God matters so much.  I can’t ever imagine myself loving “Holy God” as described in this leaflet.  He’s just waiting to torment his own creatures for all eternity. He obviously needs anger management counseling.

This pamphlet was playing upon people’s fears: the our realization that none of us are perfect before our Creator, an all-knowing being that has never made a mistake, knows everything about us, and, (implied by this pamphlet), is still very angry with all of us!

Let’s take a step back into reality for a moment and see how Jesus, the perfect manifestation of God here on earth, treated imperfect people like us when he was on earth. He ministered to prostitutes, lepers, outcasts.  He ate with hated people, drank with them, healed the sick and paralyzed people and liberally forgave them – even when they did not ask for it!  We also read of many religious leaders who scowled and seethed with hatred at him.   

If we want to know what “Holy God” is really like, look to Jesus and read about how he treated people.  Read and consider the parable of the lost sheep and those like it. Read how we are all God’s children, (per Paul’s speech to the Greeks in Acts 17, and elsewhere). Read how the Shepherd will not rest until all his sheep come home, because He loves them.

Nowhere in the leaflet is there anything said about how God is love or how Jesus treated people.  In fact, there’s virtually nothing at all in there about Jesus’ example and teachings to love one another and God.  Rather, the leaflet is designed to scare the living daylights out of people with a guilty conscience.    

Sorry Family Radio, God is in charge of who gets saved not you guys and we are told multiple times that God will have mercy. We are all imperfect but God’s mercy endures forever, His mercy triumphs over judgment and His wrath lasts but a moment.

What a change this should make in our lives on how we treat others when we realize this truth.  Remember May 21 and remember everyday  that we are loved by a God of mercy, not a god with anger management issues.

Finding Contentment

Contentment. This is probably the hardest thing for me, to be content. I feel it is okay at times to "not be satisfied" but we should be content.

I often feel the tension of what I want, or where I want to be vs where I am, which isn't where I want to be ... at least how I had it in my mind.

Here are some key areas to look at from time to time, see if you can relate.

Defining what is Success - What is success in your mind? What does it look like, feel like, etc. This is what I really had to work on; deciding, or knowing, what is "success" for me. I realized, I was and am very successful. For me, loving God, having a wonderful wife, good son, health, food to eat, roof over my head, a career I love, and friends to share it all with ... that was and is success for me. All the other stuff are side issues.

Defining what is Important - That can be difficult at times. It means defining your value system in life. Once I defined this for me it made all the difference. What’s important to you?

Enjoying the Journey - so what’s the point if I am only going to be happy, or content, "when I get there", wherever that is? The journey is the longest portion of life. The destination is what we spend our life heading toward. To enjoy the journey is to enjoy all of life.

The issue of Comparing - I am not on your journey. I am on my journey ... so it doesn't matter about them, what they got, what they did, or where they are - it's about being where God wants me, doing what He wants me doing. But sometimes I still compare way too much!  :(

Dictionary: Contentment is the experience of satisfaction and being at ease in one's situation.

 

How about you? Do you struggle with these areas? Are you in a state of contentment?

Has It Ever Occurred To You....

 Brian Jones does a nice job with his latest blog regarding this same idea,


click here!

Control Freak

I admit it – I’m a control freak. I wonder if there’s a 12-step program for that? I wanted to bring this issue up as a benefit to all of those poor people out there who work or live with people like me, especially since it’s the Holidays. Perhaps this will help you and my fellow control freaks find more peace and joy this Christmas.

Being a control freak isn’t as bad as it sounds as long as you are not extreme to the point that you are abusing or hurting someone.  You just have to realize where your limits are and of course, it’s best if you can admit it so that you can begin to deal with it. And if you’re working with or living with a control freak, you just need to know how to deal with us. Really, it is possible to overcome some of your control-freakishness.

I’m going to wager that most control freaks are A-type personalities (or if you prefer to talk in terms of D.I.S.C. profiles - high Ds). That’s not all bad. It means we’re the ones who put ourselves out there on a daily basis, are driven, and make the world go ‘round. We’re also very task oriented (e.g. get it done!). We’re usually very successful and we don’t give up until we’ve got what we want and then some.

So how did I get over my freakish side? Well, I didn’t and I don’t know if you ever really can – it’s part of who you are. There are things you can do to help relax and calm down. What I have tried to do is learn how to tame it so others can live with/around me. So how do I handle my freakish side? For one, I like lists. I make lists like you wouldn’t believe. Here a list, there a list, everywhere a list list. In fact, I’d be happy make a list for you now.

1. Learn to trust. Okay, maybe not the first time you delegate a task to someone new. But certainly, after that person has successfully completed the tasks you delegated, you really CAN begin to let go and trust that they’ll do it right, but if they don’t, you need to offer some grace and mercy because you’re not perfect, even if you think you are!

2. Write it down. Write it ALL down! I’ve found that writing everything down helps me feel more like I’m in control so that freakish side doesn’t need to bare itself to the world quite so much. Take notes on your phone conversations, list out what you need to accomplish, write your instructions out, and so on.

3. Learn to let go. Really. Other people CAN do things as well as you can and sometimes even better – even if they’re not an A-type, High-D, control freak! The salvation of the world does not depend on you!

4. Find an assistant. Find someone who is good at and enjoys the things you hate.

Working with a control freak:

1. Realize that we can’t help it. We are wired this way. Note: This is not an excuse for abusive behavior. If the person is abusive get professional help immediately!
2. Realize that we do our best to overcome, well most of us do anyhow.
3. Ask us for a list of what we need to have done.
4. Ask us questions about what we want and how we want it before we flit off on another subject. Keep asking until you have enough information from us to understand what we want.
5. We have to be able to trust you. You need to be honest EVERY time – even if it means telling us what you think we don’t want to hear.

Living with a control freak:

1. Recognize that the control freak is dealing with anxiety. Deep down, he/she knows they can't control the future so they try to control the people in life, thinking they can create a sense of safety.

2. Tell the person how you feel. In many cases, the controlling person doesn't realize he/she is doing this until they hit bottom, at which point everyone in his life is telling him how frustrated they are with him. Some people need to hit rock bottom to facilitate a change in themselves, but having someone who loves them and tell them gently and honestly how they feel can make them see the light before this happens.

3.  Please don't expect instant miracles. Since controllers rarely give up easily, be patient. Respectfully reiterating your stance over days or weeks will slowly recondition negative communication patterns and redefine the terms of the relationship. If you reach an impasse, agree to disagree. Then make the subject off limits.

4. Talk about their anxiety. For example, if they are anxious about you traveling for work, ask them if they are anxious about your faithfulness. If they are anxious about money, talk about money in terms of anxiety. Empathize with their anxiety rather than trying to talk them out of their feelings.

5. Set healthy boundaries. Learning to set healthy boundaries is a great way of flinging back the Control Freaks’ hook. Let them know you will listen to their concerns and will even validate them. However, you won’t march in lockstep to their demands. You will be practicing stating your preferences and are happy to hear their preferences. Find small ways to make it clear that you are a separate individual but you love them and want what’s best for all concerned.

These tips should help you, the control freak, overcome that freakish side and for those of you living and working with us, maybe this will make it easier. We control freaks really aren’t as scary as it may seem.

Note: Again, if you are in a relationship with an abusive person, do whatever it takes to get help immediately.